Tag Archives: love

Success: The Best Revenge

Getting dumped for your best friend can suck. That happened to me a few years ago. Met a cute guy. Went on a few dates. Then he got interested in my friend and slipped a breakup note under my door. That put a ding in my self-confidence. They had sex just a few floors above me in the same huge apartment complex. I could almost see it in my head falling asleep in my sad, borrowed mattress.

I saved the breakup note for a while. It read something like this:

You’re really hot. Like, seriously. But you’re boring as hell. I need someone who does crazy stuff like sing at a full moon. You’re just not wild enough.

Well, I was wild. I just thought singing at the moon was kind of…stupid. I was too nice to tell him anything.

Of course, what happened after that made me laugh. I got my revenge. But not in a spiteful way. Nope. Instead, I moved ahead and focused on my life. Success is the best revenge. Always. In fact, you can get revenge against all your enemies just by succeeding at your goals. It’s so much more efficient than taking them on one at a time.

My ex dated my friend for a few months, then they broke up. A couple weeks after that, I met him at a party where he announced to the room that he’d somehow contracted a venereal disease. Awkward. Was he proud or something? Did he think it was funny? Still not sure. But I knew one thing: So glad I never slept with him. My friend, on the other hand? She decided to get tested.

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Fuck Valentine’s Day

Last year, something caught my attention on my drive home. A sign outside a drugstore read something like this: Did you forget Valentine’s Day? Don’t worry! Roses, chocolate, stuffed animals, butt plugs, all half off. It was February 14th.  I’m lying about the butt plugs. I mean, life’s not that good.

Seriously, fuck whoever bought their girlfriend or wife anything from that place on actual Valentine’s Day. Do you know what that says about that person? First, they actually care about this holiday. Second, they also forgot. They’re a spineless piece of shit.

Hey, I’m really sorry if you did that. You’re not a piece of shit. There’s time to repent. You could do something real this year, like take your spouse to a concert or something. Or make plans for a nice dinner. My lovey dovey and me are going to a concert this Saturday. We might fuck. I don’t know. It’s been a terrible week for us both. We might just make out and feed each other Breyers. Well, who am I kidding? We’re both in our 30s now. Frozen yogurt. Less guilt.

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