Category Archives: My Sex Life, Basically

What I think about sex, other than “it’s fun.”

Do You Selfie Too Much?

Yesterday I stalked my students’ social media feeds and found some chicks who post what I consider an unusual number of selfies. Hey, don’t judge. They friended me first. Anyway, I love over-analyzing people. Do it to myself all the time. So. A few of my students caught my attention. Of course, there’s the super beautiful ones. This one girl, she’s the living  embodiment of perfection. Her Instagram account is stuffed with selfies. She’s an artist who uses herself as a canvas, with the blessing of hundreds. Go, girl.

What puzzled me, though, was the good-looking girl who was just taking regular pictures of herself. She had almost as many selfies as the other girl, more than me, and less likes than either of us. She averaged 10 likes her photo. She has a boyfriend, a pretty happy life from what I can tell. But there were dozens of them. What the hell was going on here? My brain couldn’t handle it. A girl who most people would consider attractive, posting lots of pictures of herself. They weren’t social–definitely straight up selfies. Except they were just regular pictures and they didn’t seem to attract all that much attention. I’m still working on understanding this. Please send help.

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Self-Gratification and Writing

Masturbation used to feel like such a crime. Now, I couldn’t do my job without it. Research has shown time and again that it has endless benefits. Masturbation decreases your stress level, lowers your risk for heart disease, boosts your immune system, helps you focus, and it can either wake you up or help you sleep. Pick one. So, Dr. Wilder prescribes more masturbation for everyone. You can even help yourself while reading my post if you want. You have my permission. Seriously. I’m not looking. You might want to cover your webcam, though. And your microwave, apparently.

Indulge me a moment: When I was ten or eleven, it seemed like a new and dangerous way to play. My little secret with myself. I’d wait for my mom to run an errand or go shopping with a friend. Then I’d fish her vibrator from the underwear draw of her dresser and get busy with myself. Fuck Barbie. That vibrator was my favorite new toy for at least a year. What made me feel especially guilty? I thought I was abusing her back massager. That’s what she told me it was. An electric massage wand. That’s not technically a lie, I guess.

Yeah, my mom and I used the same vibrator. I didn’t know that’s what she did with it, and she didn’t know what I was doing with it. At least not until I started getting bolder and bolder. You see, one day I decided to hide it under my pillow and use it before I went to sleep. Of course, my mom came looking for it around midnight. She caught me red-handed, you could say.

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Success: The Best Revenge

Getting dumped for your best friend can suck. That happened to me a few years ago. Met a cute guy. Went on a few dates. Then he got interested in my friend and slipped a breakup note under my door. That put a ding in my self-confidence. They had sex just a few floors above me in the same huge apartment complex. I could almost see it in my head falling asleep in my sad, borrowed mattress.

I saved the breakup note for a while. It read something like this:

You’re really hot. Like, seriously. But you’re boring as hell. I need someone who does crazy stuff like sing at a full moon. You’re just not wild enough.

Well, I was wild. I just thought singing at the moon was kind of…stupid. I was too nice to tell him anything.

Of course, what happened after that made me laugh. I got my revenge. But not in a spiteful way. Nope. Instead, I moved ahead and focused on my life. Success is the best revenge. Always. In fact, you can get revenge against all your enemies just by succeeding at your goals. It’s so much more efficient than taking them on one at a time.

My ex dated my friend for a few months, then they broke up. A couple weeks after that, I met him at a party where he announced to the room that he’d somehow contracted a venereal disease. Awkward. Was he proud or something? Did he think it was funny? Still not sure. But I knew one thing: So glad I never slept with him. My friend, on the other hand? She decided to get tested.

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The Death Fix

Sex with corpses. Everybody thinks about it. They don’t want to talk about it openly, though. Slightly less harmful than pedophilia, equally stigmatized, and the quickest way to kill a conversation. Seriously, when’s the last time you had an open discussion about necrophilia with your friends or coworkers? We live in such a sexually repressed culture. Sad.

Let’s break free, shall we? Hell, our president once starred in a porno. The time for modesty is over.

Necrophilia suffers from heavy stigma. And yet, it’s a natural act. Biologists have documented acts of necrophilia in the wild among several species. The French didn’t coin the phrase “little death” for nothing.

A morgue worker once admitted publicly to having sex with more than 100 corpses. Not back in the late 19th century, either. Just a couple of years ago. His bosses made him do it at first, but then he learned to accept it. On top of that, nobody would date him. Girls were too creeped out by his job. Poor guy. So he just kept on fucking the dead. You know what? I’m skeptical. I don’t think anyone made him. I don’t think he did it just because he was lonely. I’ll bet a big part of him enjoyed it. More than once, a guy or two have dug up a chick for a little action. One physician kept his wife preserved for decades.

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Fuck Valentine’s Day

Last year, something caught my attention on my drive home. A sign outside a drugstore read something like this: Did you forget Valentine’s Day? Don’t worry! Roses, chocolate, stuffed animals, butt plugs, all half off. It was February 14th.  I’m lying about the butt plugs. I mean, life’s not that good.

Seriously, fuck whoever bought their girlfriend or wife anything from that place on actual Valentine’s Day. Do you know what that says about that person? First, they actually care about this holiday. Second, they also forgot. They’re a spineless piece of shit.

Hey, I’m really sorry if you did that. You’re not a piece of shit. There’s time to repent. You could do something real this year, like take your spouse to a concert or something. Or make plans for a nice dinner. My lovey dovey and me are going to a concert this Saturday. We might fuck. I don’t know. It’s been a terrible week for us both. We might just make out and feed each other Breyers. Well, who am I kidding? We’re both in our 30s now. Frozen yogurt. Less guilt.

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Meet My Sex Doll

My sexual appetites have led me almost everywhere, including love dolls. At first, I thought I’d interview sex doll owners. But guess what? I decided to go ahead and write about my own personal experimentation with them. It just so happens I’ve had a little bit of experience on this front. Why? Because for a few months I was bi-curious and didn’t know what else to do.

I’m not sure how I first learned about high-end sex dolls. Once they came across my radar, I wanted one. A handful of websites exist for doll devotees, with forums for blow-up dolls, mannequins, silicone dolls, and everything in between. You can even buy plush girls. Yeah, a life-sized stuffed toy that looks like a girl. Pretty cool, huh?

Before we go any further, let me say something. There’s no shame in owning any kind of sex doll. Lots of people like to judge. Sure, it’s not conventional. But a lot of fetishist would describe dolls as an alternative sexuality. They don’t have problems with relationships, at least not in that superficial stereotypical way. This category fits me. I’ve dated a lot, had a fair deal of sex, and yet something about the first silicone doll I laid eyes on…Lemme tell you, wow. She turned me on. Imagine Kate Beckinsale with slightly shinier skin. I fell in love right away.

Continue reading

Meet My Sex Doll

My sexual appetites have led me almost everywhere, including love dolls. At first, I thought I’d interview sex doll owners. But guess what? I decided to go ahead and write about my own personal experimentation with them. It just so happens I’ve had a lot of experience on this front. Why? Because for a few months I was bi-curious and didn’t know what else to do.

I’m not sure how I first learned about high-end sex dolls. Once they came across my radar, I wanted one. A handful of websites exist for doll devotees, with forums for blow-up dolls, mannequins, silicone dolls, and everything in between. You can even buy plush girls. Yeah, a life-sized stuffed toy that looks like a girl. Pretty cool, huh?

Before we go any further, let me say something. There’s no shame in owning any kind of sex doll. Lots of people like to judge. Sure, it’s not conventional. But a lot of fetishist would describe dolls as an alternative sexuality. They don’t have problems with relationships, at least not in that superficial stereotypical way. This category fits me. I’ve dated a lot, had a fair deal of sex, and yet something about the first silicone doll I laid eyes on…Lemme tell you, wow. She turned me on. Imagine Kate Beckinsale with slightly shinier skin. I fell in love right away.

Continue reading