FAT: Frequently Addressed Trolls

Trolls come in all varieties. I’ve been trolled by old men and tweens alike. Recently, I was even accused of sexism for making a Taylor Swift joke. Sometimes engaging trolls amuses me, and other times I have actual work to do. Twitter’s character limit reduces the amount of nonsense a troll can spew. Of course, some pull that irritating move where they tweet at you five or six times in quick succession. Why? Because they’re not really thinking before they speak. If they did, they could probably make their point in a couple of sentences. Or better yet, they’d realize their brains are overheating over a little joke and go stick their head in a freezer. I’m likely to continue offending people, so I thought I’d write this blog post to share with trolls in the future. If you also tend to offend people on Twitter, feel free to share this with your trolls:

1. Your tweet wasn’t funny, but it got more likes than mine. Your tweet doesn’t even make sense to me. That’s not fair.

Sometimes life isn’t fair, Timmy. I tweet a lot and play lots of hashtag games. Some of my tweets go viral, and others don’t. If you don’t like my tweet, then write your own. Develop your following. Bitching at people won’t help you.

2. You tweeted about a politician/celebrity that I like, so I’m making you my sworn enemy.

Sorry not sorry about that. I’m a satirist. I make fun of almost everything and everyone, especially myself. If there’s something I haven’t made into a joke, give it a few days. I’ll get around to that topic. You should try humor some time. It keeps us young.

3. I’m going to keep harassing you until you admit you were wrong about something.

Good luck with that. I’ll respond with increasingly ridiculous counter-tweets until one of us gets bored. You’ll block me, or I’ll block you. It doesn’t really matter, does it?

4. I have a legitimate disagreement with something you tweeted and want to have a civil discussion.

You’re not a troll. I might use an irreverent tone, but I’ll debate anyone as time permits, if they want a real discussion on Twitter. That includes sharing links to articles and videos that support my claims. If you dismiss those links as “liberal propaganda” without reading or watching them, or offering counter-evidence, then you’re no longer engaging in debate. You’re simply tweeting at the wind. Bye.

5. You made a typo that completely undermines your credibility.

Twitter doesn’t have an edit button. Smartphone keyboards have only improved marginally. Often, I’ll tweet from a parking lot or a bathroom. Mistakes happen. Get over it. On the other hand, I’ve noticed that trolls usually make the most frequent and egregious typos. Let’s scroll through your Timeline and see how many errors we can find.

6. You’re an immoral person, and you’ll probably go to Hell.

Every religious text, including the Bible, tells its followers to judge themselves first. In fact, St. Augustine condemns the act of judging others. God is the final judge. I might be an atheist, but I probably know more about your faith than you do if you’re trolling me. You don’t know anything about me, actually. You saw one of my tweets and jumped to this conclusion yourself. I make special trips to the park to pick up litter. I’m a kind and understanding teacher. I use my turn signal on the highway. I haven’t broken any laws. I haven’t had an abortion. I’ve had lots of premarital sex, though. Wait, that’s it. That’s probably why you think I’m immoral.

7. You’re a racist. You hate white people.

No, I just don’t think white people are better or worse than other races. I also know that white people have, historically, rigged the game in favor of themselves. They’re really good at that. You may not live in a mansion, but I bet you don’t live in daily fear of the police. Pick up a history book that hasn’t been pre-approved by the Texas public school board.

8. You’re a fucking bitch/cunt/whore/slut.

You’ve got no arguments left, so you’re resorting to insults. So predictable. I’ve had a lot of sex with different partners, but so have a lot of guys. Guilty as charged. But that’s enough about me. Let’s talk about you. What’s driven you here to hurl insults at complete strangers? I’m here to write and make people laugh. You don’t have to like my jokes or my writing. Go do something that makes you happy. I doubt that calling me a cunt will improve your life. Honestly, you haven’t even offended me. You’re far from the first lonely man to call me any of these names.

9. I will rape and/or murder you.

No, you won’t. Or at least I hope you don’t plan on that. If you do, you’ll spend the rest of your life in prison or running from the police. I’m not worth it. There are millions of liberals like me. Odds are, you’re simply making a last ditch effort to rattle my cage. When you make death threats, you contribute to the toxicity of the Internet. And not even in an original way. Melania, your First Lady, would be so disappointed if she could see you.




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