You’ve Got Males

A year ago, I never thought I’d engage in sexting of any kind whatsoever. Then on a whim, I started doing it after reading American Girls by Nancy Joe Sales. That’s probably not the effect she was hoping to have on me as a reader. Still, the chronicle of teens’ sex lives on social media left me curious. What did they get out of sexting? Boy, did I find out.

There’s something drug-like about sharing a photo of yourself with a stranger. I don’t even send nudes (not ever, too risky). But tastefully erotic images…sure…I thought I’d take the plunge. Responses like “you’re so hot,” and “goddamn girl” made me all warm and fuzzy. They’re better and more frequent than the kinds of compliments thrown my way in real life, safer and much less irritating than cat calls. I would even describe them as respectful. A lot of guys even ask permission before they “tribute” me. Imagine me, safe at home, reeling in the compliments. No boring conversation to endure. No risk of rape. No expectations for “something more.” Just trading some pictures. Every now and then, a guy might try and learn my email address, ask where I live. The great thing about these guys? I can just tap a button and they go away.

Readers, you might be gasping now. Oh my god, what about my boyfriend? Relax. I’m not cheating on him. This is research. I do this stuff so I can write about it. I can stop anytime I want. Honestly. In fact, I’ll tell you a secret. Our love life has improved with the occasional sexting on the side. I feel strangely more desirable than ever. I’m more active and confident in the bedroom, and so is he. Through social media, I’ve built a tangible artifact of my allure and I can tap into that under the sheets. Maybe this is just my Asperger’s talking, but it means a lot to me that I can quantify it. Attractiveness can be so fleeting. The compliment you got last week? The sideways glance from  a random guy the other day? Those drift to memory, then to dust. The photo with 75 likes, though, that remains.

If you plan on judging me, save your fingers. Sexuality comes in all kinds of containers. Let me figure mine out my way.

Sexuality on social media has its pitfalls, of course, like everything. Recklessness. Addiction. Abuse. There are times when I go on social media just to have fun, and I have no interest in sex. Some people, though, log on to social media for no other reason than to score. Those are the ones that bug me.

A lot of ladies on Twitter have complained (maybe humble bragged a little) about dick pics. I’m proud to have received a couple since joining. Let me rephrase that. I don’t want dick pics. But if I’m going to get some anyway, I might as well assume it’s because I’m cute. Right? Errr. Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe some guys just send their dick pics out indiscriminately, to dozens of females, and maybe some males as well.

I wonder if there’s an award for most dick pics received in a month, a year? Who would win? What’s the record for most dick pics received by a woman on Twitter? I have a twisted curiosity about this subject.

But let me repeat. I don’t want dick pics.

Of course, if I say I don’t want dick pics, is some guy going to think, “No means yes! She’s practically asking for my virtual dog!” and then send me all of his dick pics? I hope not.

Maybe I shouldn’t even be writing this post. I’ll probably receive at least one dick pic as a direct result of opening my big mouth. Did I seriously just write that last line? Yeah.

Sigh. The sacrifices we make for our art.

Anyway, I was hoping to cram some statistics in here. But my attempts at research on dick pics hasn’t turned up much. Crazy, right? Professors probably don’t want their names on articles like that. So many questions. How many men on Twitter send dick pics to strangers? Why? To who? What response do they hope for? I’m sure some of them want compliments, ratings, thumbs-up emojis at least. Others may simply get off on any kind of response at all. Like “gross!” could even work for some guys, I imagine.

I’ve been on Twitter every day for about six months now. I interact with a couple dozen people. So much fun. I love my tweeps. Some of them give me compliments, which I like a lot. Only a handful of guys have gone too far. They send erotic DMs, selfies, and booty calls. One guy tried 3 or 4 times to arrange a hookup with me. I tend to block these people. Not because they’re offensive, per se, but because our relationship is already a dead crow. These guys aren’t here for hashtags and puns, so why bother? I’ll just save us both a lot of trouble and block them. I’m not hooking up with someone via Twitter unless I get so heavily drunk I mistake it for Tinder. And before that, I’ll have broken up with my boyfriend and then slept with every single man (maybe even woman) in the city. And if that happens, I won’t be on Tinder. I’ll be in a hospital, or a funeral home.



6 thoughts on “You’ve Got Males

  1. Labrug

    Great read. Love you humour through it. Hope you didn’t get too many DPs, and if you did, that they presented themselves in a … presentable manner… if that is even possible for a DP.



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