Appropriate Party Behavior for College Men

I’ve been talking with some of my guy friends about the Stanford rape case, as well as the report that’s got Baylor University turned upside down right now, and listening to their stories about their college party days. Many of them don’t see themselves at all in Brock Turner, and that gives me hope for civilization. One of them even said, “The six month sentence makes me furious,” adding “and did you read Turner’s dad’s pathetic letter to that judge? Not only is Brock Turner a rapist, he sounds like a dip shit cry baby.” Now, these were soft-spoken academic guys getting really worked up, and I couldn’t help but laugh a little (a welcome relief from all the teeth-gritting we’ve been doing, and I can’t afford dental work). Here’s what they had to say:

Guy 1, Patrick: He humble brags that he got plenty of phone numbers from drunk girls at parties, and he made out with a few. But he never tried to fuck a single one of them. “I would go to a party, get drunk, and sometimes fall in love.” He and whatever girl would usually drunk-flirt and wind up snuggling on a couch all night. “This one girl was so beautiful, I just held her and watched her sleep and thought about sailing to Spain with her.” Then they would date for a while, usually until he got dumped. Compared to fingering an unconscious girl behind a dumpster, that sounds downright classy.

Guy 2, Neil: He once met a girl at a New Year’s Eve party, talked with her about art and classical music for an hour, then he found out she was 16. (He was 19.) He spent a wonderful “fuck free” night with her, and then took the next couple of days to talk with his friends about what he should do. “I liked her a helluva lot,” he said, but ultimately wanted to date until she was 17 and they could fuck without fear of the law. Too bad for Neil that the girl’s parents pulled the plug on that situation, as they probably should’ve. The key point here is that what Neil did qualifies as a mistake, perhaps, not a felony that caused him to “lose his appetite for rib-eye steak” while almost destroying a girl’s life. (I say almost because her letter proves she’s strong, damn smart, and a great writer. Book contract? Hope so.)

Guy 3, Alan: When Alan was 22 he met a blond waif of a girl at a Starbucks. She smiled at him, walked up to his table, and left him a card with her phone number. The first date revealed that she was 17, a virgin, and recently a victim of cyber-stalking by a 40-year-old creep. She wanted to become the kind of adult she saw in movies: alcohol on the beach, sex scenes in showers, the works. Alan realizes he was kind of a moron for not guessing her age sooner, and for entertaining her misguided quest–in his MIND. Against his better judgment, he went on two more dates with her while seeking advice from his co-ed social circle. Except for a couple of douche bags, they all told him to walk away. So he did, much to the dismay of his penis. They even remained acquaintances, and sometimes traded books of poetry.

Collectively, they offer the following advice to young men at college:

  1. Be classy. Don’t be a fuck boy. We know you’re going to drink underage, and so are girls. If you have to, get drunk and make out. Flirt. Be wild. But don’t fuck each other while drunk out of your minds, okay? Especially if one of you is passed out. That’s just moronic. Not to mention illegal and monstrous.
  2. Women are a gift to the human race. A beautiful woman should be cherished. Talk to girls. Have fun. Flirt your ass off. Score phone numbers. After your parties, go on DATES. Do you know what dates are, fuckheads? Girls like them.
  3. Woo a girl. That’s the fun part. Win her consent. Getting a girl so drunk she doesn’t even know who’s fucking her is trashy behavior. What’s to enjoy or brag about there?
  4. Courtship. You will enjoy the kissing and sex more if the girl is enthusiastic. Wait until she whispers in your ear something like, “I’m soo wet. Fuck me now.” Trust us, it’s worth the “hardship.”
  5. In fact, avoid drunken parties altogether. Your best chance at fucking a girl lies in meeting one who shares your interests. Join the kayaking club, the fencing club, the yoga club. Whatever floats your boat. Alcohol and even underage drinking happens in these clubs, but it’s not the main event. What normally happens is a girl meets a guy, develops an attraction, then she has ONE drink and decides what she’ll do with him. It’s really up to her. You present your best self, and hope it wins her over.
  6. Sex isn’t the end goal of dating in college. You might windup with a kick-ass girlfriend who still doesn’t want full intercourse. Is that really so bad?

These men don’t deserve rewards for acting like decent human beings. However, their stories model appropriate behavior. They know how to control their hormones, and all three of them are happily married or engaged now. They were tempted to do bad things, but thought better of it. If more men were taught to talk their penises down in this fashion, we’d have a lot fewer tragedies on our hands.


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